Are you listening or judging me?

August 2023

After a frustrating workday, have you ever said to a partner or spouse, “I just need to vent. You don’t need to solve the problem. Just listen to me.”?

Most of us have probably felt that way a time or two. But wouldn’t it be better if we could simply have a heartfelt conversation with the ones involved in that sticky situation so we could clear the air, get on the same page, and move forward in productive cooperation as quickly as possible?

The reality is that some of us simply aren’t skilled at conducting the kind of empathetic, non-judgmental conversations that can lead to mutual understanding. We fear certain conversations might become so emotionally charged that things will only get worse. So, we choose to vent to someone else in hopes the dust will settle and all will be forgotten. Unfortunately, avoidance tactics rarely end well.

Based on my decades in high-tech sales, consulting, and leadership, not to mention being a wife, mother, and civic leader, I have found that instead of venting to someone else, effective listening—listening with the intent to gain true understanding—is usually the most effective way to defuse tense situations and achieve mutually beneficial outcomes.  Listening to understand builds trust.

Yet, for some strange reason—especially when we’re new to leadership—listening to understand is often the last thing we think of doing when the going gets tough. Instead, we become judgmental. Why is that?

Early in our careers, we’re focused on proving ourselves. We try to appear self-confident while developing our functional expertise and technical skills. Yet, underneath it all, we often feel like we’re in over our heads. To cope, we build a protective wall of self-defense. When someone questions or critiques us, we judge their intentions (perhaps mistakenly) and dig in to fortify our position. Unfortunately, such tactics make it difficult to conduct the kind of open and empathetic conversations which could lead to productive learning and trust building experiences.

The good news is there is a better way—one that can be quite easy and rejuvenating to implement.

First, accept the fact that no one knows everything. Not even CEOs. Once you realize that it’s totally OK to admit that you don’t know everything, you can take the very freeing next step to simply ask innocent questions to better understand the other person’s perspective. Asking non-judgmental, clarifying questions can work wonders toward establishing mutual understanding and a collaborative path forward.

Former IBM chairman Sam Palmisano once admitted why his experience working in Japan was so important to his own leadership development:

Because I learned to listen. I learned to listen by having only one objective: Comprehension. I was only trying to understand what the person was trying to convey to me. I wasn’t listening to critique or object or convince.

The late organizational consultant and author, Warren Bennis, explained that when you deeply listen and get where people are really coming from—and show you care about them while you’re there—they will be more likely to let you take them where you want them to go.

My colleague on my first two books, The WOW Factor Workplace and Heartfelt Leadership, best-selling author and psychiatrist, Dr. Mark Goulston, had this to say: 

Making someone “feel felt” simply means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. When you succeed, you can change the dynamics of a relationship in a heartbeat. At that instant, instead of trying to get the better of each other, you “Get” each other, and that breakthrough can lead to cooperation, collaboration, and more effective communications.

I’ve heard many businesswomen—at nearly every level—admit that they are reluctant to speak up in meetings. Even women in the executive ranks suffer this trepidation. The common thread is that they feel a great need to know precisely what they were talking about before they step up to offer an opinion, or even participate in the discussion. Even though they know the others at the table are willing to listen to them, women are often hesitant to present their ideas or theories until after they’ve fully researched and analyzed the various aspects of an issue. Underneath it all, they’re afraid they’ll be judged negatively if they don’t have the “right” answer in the moment.

To help them get over this stumbling block, we discussed ways to handle brainstorming in real-time. For example, they could simply say something like, “I reserve the right to come back to you next week with more on this, after I’ve dived into it a bit more (or talked to my team), but off the top of my head, I think…blah, blah, blah.” This technique helped them feel more comfortable with active participation.

When you enter the leadership ranks, your success is no longer about the technical skills you were judged on prior to your promotion. Rather, it’s about your people skills. Leadership isn’t about how well you can do various tasks; it’s about how well you develop, engage, and motivate your team so that they can do those tasks.

Your success as a leader is about assembling and empowering great teams. It’s about removing the obstacles that stand in the way of their success. It’s about asking your team members for their opinions. It’s not about you having the perfect solutions for everything.

If you tell your people what to do and how to do things—things they should learn to evaluate and do for themselves—they’ll resent you for not trusting them, their engagement will suffer, and they’ll fail to perform at their best.  So, rather than play the expert and stand in judgement, proactively listen to their fears, criticisms, and ideas. Encourage them to try new things in their own unique ways. Ask what they need from you to succeed. Then follow through on your commitments. When they succeed, give them credit for their ideas. You may come to realize that they have great ideas, and they could be even better utilized.

Along the way, if things aren’t working out, rather than criticize, simply ask them how they feel about their efforts, and what, if anything, they might want to change or improve going forward. By actively listening to understand and then by brainstorming together, you’ll build more trusting relationships, and you’ll enable your team to become more resourceful, confident, and courageous.

If you’re already in the senior ranks, listen to employees at every level. Those closer to the front lines often know the most about the challenges and process gaps that stand in the way of the organization’s success. These team members often have the best solutions. As retired U.S. Army Lieutenant General Kathleen Gainey shared in my book Strong Suit: Leadership Success Secrets from Women on Top:

What I quickly learned is, people are your most important resource. If you invest in people, they will take care of you. When you make a mistake, they will correct it. When you need to know something, if you have created an environment where they can share information with you and not be yelled at, they will share things with you that you need to know—particularly when things are not going quite right and need to get fixed….Start by treating people the way you would want to be treated and consciously inspire them to do their best. 

Finally, get your entire team together now and then, in whatever format makes sense for your organization, so they can get to know who’s who, freely share challenges, ask clarifying questions, brainstorm solutions, discuss results, and celebrate successes. This way, you can keep everyone aligned, engaged, and moving in the same upward trajectory, together—and no one will feel the need to go home and vent.